8:18 p.m. 2012-01-24
Changes and Wedding Thoughs
The more things change...
Yesterday was a rough day. Someone I worked with, who I quite LIKED to work with (kind of...sort of...up until recently...) was fired. And I feel like I got to watch this person slowly implode. It started out so great...and then...well, its hard to write about when everything has to be so purposefully vague. Needless to say, I respected this person a lot and the way the end played out was a sad conclusion to a promising beginning.
I feel like going into any job its always such a promising beginning. Its like the first day of school. The pends are fresh, no bitten caps, a stack of shiney new post-its, an empty in box, save for happy welcoming emails that will too soon be replaced with people wondering why you don't learn any faster.
Its been a rough year or so. This job...it gives me an opportunity to see people at the best I've ever seen them. People who are having the worst day of their lives and still take the opportunity to try and help someone else. People who are so brave in the face of sorrow. And people...people who just don't care. Who are so wrapped up in themselves or so lost to their own grief that they're wraiths, wandering the world screaming at everyone when, really, the person they want to scream at most is God.
Its hard, my friends. This job changes people and I don't necessarily know if its for the better but certainly for the wiser.
"I don't know if I've been changed for the better...but I have been changed for good..." (Wicked)
I find myself introspective as I continue all the wedding plans. This person didn't know anything about me until 3 years ago. I knew nothing about him. But we were in the same city. Even in the same neighborhoods at times. I could have passed him on the street a hundred times and never known but for a chance meeting at the right time.
All our lives just come down to a series of choices and moments and suddenly...everything is different.
I turned to him the other day and asked him what he thought about all this wedding stuff. He smiled and said he liked the blobby doves. At which point I punched him and said, no seriously, this is huge...did you ever think you'd be married? Did you ever think this day would come?
And really, I wasn't asking him. I was asking me. Did I ever think in these hundreds (near 1000) diary entries that I would be next to a cup of tea and a stack of wedding magazines, thinking about my dress and shoes and guests and...it just doesn't seem real. I spent so much (SOOOOO MUCH) time wondering what it would be like to find someone who loved me just for me. Who looked at me after coming back from the Y and said "You look cute" (which I most certainly do not. No one who's trying to accomplish anything looks cute upon return from the Y). Someone who thinks I'm quirky and awesome and would literally lay down his life for me. Will take a vow (officiated by my father, no less, there's a picture of terror for you!) stating that in front of hundreds of our friends and relatives. I feel sometimes like I know everything about him and at other moments like I'm just scratching the surface. Its an adventure and every so often a book is referenced that we both love, or an experience we just realize we both want to have...and it'll be together. I have a someone. And I'm humbled and thankful because despite my many flaws (I know, you're shocked, but they're there.) he wants me anyway. And I want him despite his still present love of professional wrestling. Which I mock at every opportunity because...really...they're giant men in spandex panties.
That's love, I suppose.
-Caitlin
